Time

I would be curious to know how many readers have gone through fertility treatments successfully once and decided to go through it a second time for another baby.   What was that like for you?

My husband and I went through IVF to conceive our daughter, who is now 3.5 years old.  We recently went through the process again.  We were unable to do IVF locally, so it was about a 3 hour drive each way for treatments.  Through out the process the second time, we spent alot of time away from our daughter.  The question that I struggled with most was this:  Am I giving up time with my daughter to have a baby that we don’t know will exsist?  If we have to do a second round of IVF, that will be 6 months of the year that I won’t be physically and emotionally available to my little girl.  If we do a 3 times option, that will be almost a whole year.   At what point to you need to decide to enjoy the life of the child that you have, and give up on trying for the child that you want?

Does anyone else struggle with this?  What do you do to make this decision or balance your current child(ren) with the ones you hope for?

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This entry was posted in in-vitro fertilization, infertility, IVF, Motherhood. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Time

  1. My clinic was only 30 minutes away, so I didn’t have to spend too much time apart. But I ended up having to bring her to a bunch of appointments anyway. She enjoyed seeing the suppression checks and the Day 5 and 8 U/S during the shots. And she sat out in the lobby with my husband during the retrieval. If I’d known we’d get to stay in the private procedure room for the transfer, I would have brought her to that too.

    But for a 6-hour round trip, it’s not much worse than being gone for a full-time job, only less regularly. Loads of parents work full time and only see their kids at night. And raising children IS a full-time job. So maybe in your case, MAKING children is a full-time job!
    If you don’t have success, then the 3-9 months will feel like you robbed yourself of time with your child. So that’s a choice you have to make on your own. Do you want another one badly enough to risk spending that much time away? But if you are successful, you (probably) won’t regret a minute of it. And it’s not like a new addition to the family doesn’t take time away from the first child! Especially, as is often the case with IF treatments, with MULTIPLE additions!
    It’s tough, not feeling like you can be there for your kid. “Not right now. Mommy’s tired.” “I can’t carry you right now, you need to walk.” “You play out here, I need to go do my shots.” But that’ll (hopefully) just be replaced with “Not right now. Mommy’s tired.” “I’m carrying the baby right now, you’ll have to walk.” and “You play out here. I need to feed the baby.”
    Just make an extra effort to make your time together COUNT.

    • Tick-Talk says:

      Thanks for taking the time to comment. It is not as simple as just a 6 hr drive round trip every couple of days, but the appointments were scheduled early enough in the mornings that it required staying over night or leaving home at 4 in the morning. It also required being present in the town 3 hrs away for 2 weeks for appointments prior to retrieval. As a full-time employee, it was required that I make up as many of the 40 hrs per week I was missing from work as I possibily could, which meant the days I was in town I would work longer days and sometimes from home on the weekends. All I can say is thank goodness for grandparents who were willing to pitch in and keep our kid-o while we were out of town overnight.

      I do agree the cost is worth the benefit of another child, but wondered how many other people struggled with making this choice…. and how you come to terms with your decision.

  2. jessica says:

    While I was pregnant (after many years of trying) I was instructed by my acupuncturist to stop nursing at 8 mos in order to get pregnant again. That didn’t sit right with me. I was bound and determined to mother the child I had as my heart told me too. I found that infertility treatments, even though close by, took a lot of emotional energy to power through. And so does my yearning for a second child. I thought adoption might be a less difficult journey. But like infertility stories, adoption stories vary. There can be many trials and tribulations in this route as well. I try to live in the moment and nurture hope both for a second child and if necessary, a peaceful ‘resolution’ to secondary infertility, acknowledging that it might not have as fruitful conclusion as my experience with primary infertility. I think all mothers mourn a bit when thinking about how a second will change the relationship with the first. But I do think experience with infertility adds a difficult dynamic to that emotion.

    • Tick-Talk says:

      Jessica – Thanks for your comment. I appreciate your honesty. When making the decision to try for #2, I also wondered if adoption would be a “easier” route. I knew it would be physically easier on my body after all the years of fertility treatments for #1, but I do not think emotionally it is any easier to adopt. I think the challenges are different. I don’t know if you noticed that I am hoping to start an adoption section to my blog, but if you have found any good resources that you would like to share, let me know and I would be happy to post them 🙂

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